I had a good thought…

Then it went away… So, by the time I figured out how to re-log in to my Square space account, I forgot my good thought. It drives me nuts… all the usernames, passcodes. Yes, in the name of security, it’s great! But you forget one passcode, and then it leads you down the path of another, and then you are remembering not only your last passcode, but the one before that, and then the one before that… and you can’t remember which sites you have the new one, vs. the old, old, one so you spend this ridiculous amount of time (in your whole life, mind you) trying to figure out a passcode and updating it.

Sorry, I have digressed. Oh, how I like that fancy word. So here I am.. It’s a Thursday night. I’ve had yet another lovely sushi dinner with my oldest. And lots of wine. My favorite, sushi and wine.

But my son, he’s a tough cookie. I love him to death but he’s hard to break. He’s a stiff as a board with anxiety….. oh, now I remember what I was going to share! But yes, he is… stiff as board with anxiety. All in those shoulders. He’s full of the ‘what ifs’ and on edge for the world to end. Just like I was. I remember someone shaking me and saying, ‘relax, why don’t you!’

But I have to say, our dinners over $100 sushi are nice. He talks…and I think he feels very comfortable. Being with mom… it’s now our little routine. Since he was a little boy he was always ‘high anxiety’ — which is exactly how I was too as. child/teenagers/young adult. Well, until I started drinking.

So this is where connections are made. I just realized how this all came to be. I lived a long time, being stiff. The deer in headlights pose. Or could it be more like the evaluating the situation, to take aim and go… probably the latter because I’m no scaredy cat. But I may need a second to evaluate…

That was the majority of my youth. I worried about everything. I was on alert… all the time. I was ready for the tornado, the potential rape, the tsunami, the fire…. I lived most of my life with the fear of something is going to happen. Because I heard it on the news, I heard it happened to my aunt, it doesn’t matter. If you say E. coli poisoning, I said, it’s in my food. I’m boiling everything. I don’t know what caused this innate fear of everything. This fear of if one thing happens, even across the world, I needed to be on top of it.

So my son, is ironically is totally straight edge. Right now. He’s against all drugs, alcohol, anything.. Even at age 19. A moms dream, right?

I mean I was fearful as a young adult, but I at least imbibed a little. But sadly now I see… he is more at risk than I even was. I eventually learned that to take a few sips of alcohol, it calms you. It lets you feel, ‘oh, fuck it… who cares if that even happens.’

So that’s why I do it. It takes down my everyday feelings of disaster to giving less fucks. But… and this is probably why I’m high functioning Even with alcohol, I’ve never gotten to the point of no fucks. I still care, and still worry, but not like ‘it’s end of world’ worrying. Sometimes seeing yourself in others explains it all. Now I just want to know, why did I… and why does my son… react to news and other things with such high energy/investment? Why are we on such alert?