Acceptance?

It always shocks me to see how long of a time that can go by between writing on this site. I try… but then get very busy! And it’s okay honestly because this is just for me but there have been quite a few interesting things I wish I did write about over these past few months.

Warning… this is going to be a long one (but heck it’s 6 months of stuff, right!)

So let’s start with how the last 6 months have been.. ? Well, with my work, a little slower than the norm, but do I think that is related to my drinking? No. I still have the same clients and the same positive comments about my work. I think the ‘dump’ administration hasn’t helped in my field in general. Regardless, I still let it encroach on my mind that ‘do they know somehow?’ Did I fuck up somewhere because I drink? Most of my drinks are off duty but I won’t lie, there have been a couple times I was not on my game because of it. And luckily I have known to draw the line in the sand - if I didn’t think I was on par and have canceled any calls. Still, would I say it has impacted my work? Maybe… maybe I could be even more successful without it. But how successful do I want to be? Am I not making enough for 2 people and paying my bills on a pretty good life for my kids? Yes. So obviously this hasn’t motivated me to to quit.

How has my family been? Kind of same as always… thank goodness. I may be missing something… did I do something that my kids aren’t happy about? Sure. But they are young adults and I think regardless of what I’m doing they would be telling me I’m doing something wrong! I know they are concerned and don’t like it, but luckily I didn’t fuck up a relationship with my kids (so far).

How has my relationship been? Well, while I’d say, on one hand, I feel like I’m over the moon about finding a guy that I finally truly love and could see a future with… on the other, I feel like this is where the impact has been. While in the back of my mind I have wondered if ‘he noticed’ how frequently I drank or how much, I for awhile figured he didn’t mind. Maybe because he was previously a smoker or has his own vices, like pain meds, caffeine, sugar and hours of scrolling. Still, he quit the smoking 6 months into our relationship - on his own accord.

Note, prior to meeting him, I would NEVER date a smoker and was on my deal breaker list, but I liked him so much I just let him be. I know… no one is perfect and finding someone you can even GET along with in your 40s and 50s is hard so if he wants to smoke, then smoke.

Still, my drinking is not to his liking for sure. He doesn’t drink really at all so it clearly is going to be more obvious to him. And it is really a big thing that he doesn’t drink as the one time I saw him drunk, which was really the doing of his friend who was loading him up on whiskey with or without him knowing the quantity, he was horrible. He was not a guy I’d ever hang out with again, he was belligerent to the ‘umpth’ degree and just absolutely a mess. I almost broke up with him that night. I am still grateful that it was just a night of his friend being too liberal with his drinks and not his norm and let’s hope that continues.

I tend to be the ‘you don’t even know I’m buzzed’ kind of girl and when I get drunk, I typically crash. But apparently there are times I do ‘switch’ and my personality becomes a little more ‘sassy’ or independent or argumentative I sense. I almost wish someone had video taped me at these moments so I could see how I’d describe myself because my sober self would say - I had every right to do / say that.

While I know that this must be true since he isn’t the first person who has said it, I also feel like there are times I have the right to be sassy or independent and don’t want EVERY time I voice opinions to be chalked up to ‘well you were just drunk’ and ‘you don’t remember.’ It’s in conflict I say this because again, it’s likely true, but it’s not 100% true. If I drink to that level 10 times and only 2 we have actually had arguments or things happen he didn’t like, A+B doesn’t always = C so what happens when I’m sober and we have a disagreement over something? What will be the new thing he can blame?

So I digress a bit here with this because to the world, this all probably sounds like me trying to make excuses for my behavior or rationalize. But I am a big girl and I know that regardless of what my ‘rationalizing side of mind’ is trying to say, the other side is saying, I’ve wanted to stop this anyway. I’ve wanted to cut back for as you can see on this blog, several years.

The why I want to cut back or stop is purely in my mind for I want to see my grandkids. Unfortunately, that hasn’t been motivating enough for me to stop over the years… and I’m not sure why. Maybe because I sense it is too far off and naturally I’d stop before then or maybe because I am in pretty good health. I can run 10 miles, I can physically do more than most of my 50 year old counterparts. I go for regular physicals. None of my liver numbers are notable, my doctor palpates my organ and gives me thumbs up… besides having a belly - which again, cannot be linked to my liver size but likely 3 kids, perimenopause and generally just not eating perfectly… so that is my saving grace.

So here I am and what is motivating me today is 1) my relationship. I know how hard it is to find the right one. And while I have had the joy of experiencing as I call it ‘many lives’ over the last 10 years, I want to finally settle on one. I did have my fun, I did have my heart aches but now I just want peace with the person I love. And I really love him. So will I do what it takes to NOT be the reason we break up? Absolutely. If it becomes some other reason we do, then at least I won’t live in regret.

2) My cousin died last week. He did have a congenital condition that has plaqued him since birth and we all knew he always had the risk of a heart issue. He was doing so great though that for awhile, we all forgot about his risk. But then it happened. And while we weren’t super close… we were super close in age, only 2 months older than me. I’ll bet because he was always at risk for issues, he treated his body extremely well. I bet he never drank… and I’ll bet he was always wishing his body could do more than it ever could. And here I am… no big congenital issues and just poisoning my body for no particular reason.

3) While I like to think of being the kind of person who doesn’t care what others think of her… that’s not true. I do care. This will forever be in my core since I was a kid who really was like an outsider. So when I became a teenager, I definitely cared what others thought. This has dampened as I’ve gotten older just because people will judge you know matter what. You are damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Still, I recently met a woman who was clearly an alcoholic and druggie. She didn’t even try to hide it or not take ownership. And she was in a relationship with I can tell another alcoholic who was clearly not nice to her. She was also on her way to jail in the next few days for being caught with substances. Apparently she was a nurse too. I don’t judge her for her decisions as I know how this can happen but I could see is everyone looked at her ‘like a drunk.’ And that scares me. When she passes, is that going to be the top on their mind about her? Does it matter all the good things she may have done in her life? One bad part of her will over rule it all. And that upsets me. I have tried so hard in life to be the good worker’, ‘the good wife,’ ‘the good friend,’ and most importantly, ‘a good mom.’ to let my legacy be ‘she was a drunk.’

So here I am 6 days sober. I’ll always hate that I have to say it that way, like this should be impressive… I’ll always hate when my SO called me an alcoholic and some resentment will always lie there, but I have to face the facts if that is true.