Time will tell
Well considering it has been over 8 months since I’ve written here and my last post wasn’t too encouraging, you’d think I’d be dead or something. Luckily, I don’t have any blog followers to worry about me in the first place.
Still, it’s been interesting that I started this blog over 3 years ago and I’m still in almost the same place. And probably similiarly so 2-3 years prior to even then. I try not to guilt myself over not achieiving my goals and remember I had been through a lot that led me here, but still, it does pain me that it’s not easier to say, hey, look, I’m over this. No problem exists anymore!
But it does… and I’ve wondered if just silently killing yourself is done this way. Again, no real ill effects but hence the name of this blog, I literally still think I’m on the ledge waiting for that rock bottom. Everyone says it will happen… eventually.
I make great excuses up like being this way keeps me from being perfect. But those jokes won’t last long. In July I met a really great guy. I don’t want to over-do it because he could end up like the rest… where I realize the tiny things I knew were red flags can’t be ignored anymore. Truthfully though, he is really great for me and one of the few that really does fit me in most ways. There was always some disconnect among the guys I’ve been with but he is literally so much like me it’s funny.
His vice is smoking though… thankfully not drinking. And he is taking a go at quitting so now I’m in the hot seat… like if he can do that, can’t I do this? What will it take? I think I can. I have to remind myself that the ‘few drinks’ I have here and there not ‘few’ and not once in a while and if there was a room I could fill up with all I’ve drank it would be a large room, not a closet… not a bathroom. I wish I could literally see the bottles so that I could whole heartedly convince myself why this is so important. Maybe the tank of the amount of alcohol... because a bucket or two won’t even come close. Regardless, I will have to do this. It’s time.
So while I know my body is not dependent (at least it hasn’t been), I will still try to do this carefully. No point in causing an undue emergency or shock my body. So tonight I allow myself 3 glasses of wine over 5 hours. Tomorrow 2.5, the next 2, and so on… until I can literally just say none. I know it’s idiotic because we all know, you take the first drink and then the drink takes you. So I will rely on my back up methods of tea, CBD and ashwaganda.
Updates to follow.
