Day 4

While it is only Day 1 of my blog here, it is day 4 of sobriety. I almost feel silly saying that. Like I should say, day 4 of not drinking. Am I allowed to say sobriety? Most would read this (and I, myself, will probably too in the future) as being just denial. I am torn between where I want to ‘place’ myself and I think the biggest reason is because you can’t go back. You call yourself an alcoholic, you are forever one. I don’t want to be ‘labeled’ - just like the kid with ADHD or Asperger’s… sure, is it part of them, yes, but is it all of them? No.

My history of getting to drinking too much was slow. I can’t remember exactly when it began but I can remember when it started becoming something I felt bad about. Which for me, isn’t all that hard. Maybe it was because I was raised in Catholic school but I think I feel guilty about everything. Tried cigarettes at 16, guilt. Was too clean with my room, almost OCD (probably actual OCD), guilt. I could feel guilty about anything really. Working out too much, guilt. Not working out enough, guilt. Guilt, guilt, guilt.

I also suffered from perfectionism. And that definitely was hard. No where near perfect but at some point in my life I thought, if I did this just right, then maybe people will like me. What that left me was just quite exhausted because quite honestly perfection is very hard to achieve.

So it was slow. Now I don’t wake up in the morning and crave a drink. I don’t even usually take a sip of a drink until dinnertime. But, then it can go until I fall sleep.

It doesn’t stop me from what I have to do. Life is still priority. If I have to work, I’m not struggling not to drink. If I have to pick up my kids, I’m not struggling not to drink. I do what I need to do and do it mighty well. I don’t wake up hung over. I don’t go out to the store to even buy alcohol if I don’t have it. But, I am technically drinking alone. I am drinking when I don’t need to and I do feel guilt the next day.

So I started slow too with deciding to stop. I tried a few days each week making it a point to not drink. It wasn’t excruciating. I would distract myself if I thought of it. I also asked for medication from my doctor in preparation who prescribed naltrexone which made me nauseated, which made me wonder… was that the point? I can’t drink or eat anything when I’m nauseated so win win. And later Antabuse, which quite honestly just deterred me from taking it vs. drinking.

But when I came to the point of saying, I’m just going to stop, I did it without anything. Or at least nothing else so far… come on, we are only on day 4 now. Still, I did my research, will I have withdraw? What if I had DTs? My goodness the internet will scare you. Taper, don’t taper. It’s a mess of information out there. I figured, just do it. If I felt something bad, just go down and grab some rum and take a few shots.

Well, here I am, feeling fine. Nothing feels different. Luckily, not even a shaky hand. Still, I guess I thought I’d wake up and see some beautiful glow, be a couple pounds lighter and feel like magic. The only thing that does feel better for sure is my conscience. While it’s still only 4 days, it’s four days without the nagging guilt of putting those extra calories and poison in my body the night before and that is something worth it.