Day 4
I sit here and should be beaming with pride. I’m not. I even shared my feelings on a message board of an online “program” that I joined about feeling angered by my own self. Of course members replied with comfort and support. But I’m angry that day 4 is a big deal.
Why the fuck should that be a big deal? Oh I know… it’s because I haven’t had a Day 5 in a long time. Why is that, my idiot brain asks! And trust me, I know, since I buy old school paper calendars every year and when I have a “day” I put a big heart and smiley face near it. Well I flipped through my calendars in recent years and while I could find many Day 1s and even 2s, a smidgen of 3s and 4s. I was probably sick those days…
It’s been years. How could this be? Was I living under a rock?
Now, I don’t think every day was a I drank myself into a disgusting puking mess. Fortunately, those were extremely rare. It was probably more often that I just drank excess… got loopy, ate too much and passed out in bed. I did also have many nights where I had just a couple. For a long time (I think), I drank the one or two glasses of wine or craft beer to relax after work and then probably only over binged on just weekends. But all of that went out the window the last couple years. A slow progression but it became just a weekday with little work at night and I’d imbibe, just as a celebration of not working 12 hours that day. And the weekends… those were turning into not just an evening out, start at 7pm… but an afternoon soiree into the evening. Practically all day beyond the ‘is it noon yet’ moment - I’ll hold it true to my heart that I rarely and I mean rarely drink before noon. And it’s gotta be a celebration or holiday. I held that close tight as my only saving grace.
So I sit here on Day 4… luckily without having gone through one symptom of withdraw… except maybe anxiety but I had that well before I ever imbibed too much, probably moreso than post-lush activities.
And these last 3 days, I’ve been watching all kinds of videos of recovering people, suddenly realizing this time could have never been a second better… I’m trying to stop before physical dependence. That is when for most of these people life changed… life got shitty and the downward spiral hit. It seems that once you are physically dependent, you end up rehabs or hospitals to try to stop. I have to take this as a magical gift from God that I threw up like that in front of my son and finally decided not another day. Not another day.
