The hole
I wish I had the time and energy to write more often. I mean I guess I have the time… I could take it from my chill and watch serial killer series, but believe it or not it’s my relaxation to do so! Problem is, sitting and chilling feels so much better with a glass of wine or beer next to me. So now I feel like I have to avoid TV at times so I don’t trigger that habit.
In the last month or so, I can’t say I’ve done the best. I had a trip to Paris, whim thing… lovely, but who cannot drink in Paris? I mean the vin…how could you not? So I guess my latest trips also are not encouraging for trying to remain sober. Guess I should visit a monastery next trip. Oh wait, I think they make beer at some of those monestaries.
Regardless, I am a visual person so I kind of find that visualizing what it’s like to get out of this ‘hole’ as I feel like it is. You feel stuck. It’s odd because I’m not dying without a drink. I’m not in pain, or feeling any withdraws…. I’m LUCKILY not that deep but when will that happen?
Regardless I try to think of how many bottles of alcohol I drank in my lifetime. Like if it was all piled up, would it fill a room? How big of a room? Isn’t that a scary thought?
So I visualize now this idea of getting out of the hole. The trapped feeling like this is my life, and I should just accept being down here because I tried climbing but I’d get up like 5 feet and fall back down. I’d get up 10 feet and fall back down. But I’m not getting close enough to be out of the damn hole!
They say work smarter, not harder. I do try hard. I have bought ever kind of non-alcoholic elixers hoping for that same relaxation I get from alcohol but without the risk. I have gotten it from a few, but with it just is a wave of fatigue. And the buzz from alcohol is different than just relaxation. It’s relaxation and fun feeling. So far none of the fancy new elixers make you feel that. Just a little relaxed or like last night, incredibly tired.
So how do I work smarter? Go to meetings? Go to a rehab where for sure I’ll be alcohol free for 30 days? I doubt though I’d actually qualify. Alcohol hasn’t ruined my life. I actually do very well. A few things have been affected but hey, no one is perfect. Still, what is the smart thing to do. If I picture myself in the hole, I tend to keep trying to climb it with all my strength. Which is exhausting quite honestly. I could ‘call for help’ ask someone to send down a rope. But I’m not willing to open that door. Maybe I could break down the dirt on one side of the hole to eventually raise the ground on the other. That seems wise. It will take some energy and it will be a slow process.
So that’s what I’ll try. Chipping away at the dirt on one side, since the ‘dirt’ in this scenario is the alcohol, I just need to first cut down. And for ever day that I cut down more than before, hopefully I’m laying more ground to raise me up to get out. Eventually all I’ll have to do is step our rather than climb.
So far I’m two days (again) AF, I don’t feel that bad, but nothing has happened stressful yet either. I know that is my trigger so what am I going to do when I get stressed and frustrated?
