Motivation

I was thinking about better ways to motivate myself. Yes, I have some prescriptions. Unfortunately, one makes me nauseous and tired. The other basically makes drinking difficult because you get dangerous side effects. For some reason, messing with my body in that way makes me nervous. It’s an odd feeling I have about that medication. In a way, it’s like making a commitment to not drink because it stays in your system so long. And even though I want to make a commitment, I don’t want to do it with a drug. I guess I either don’t really want to commit or that making the commitment makes me not want to commit. I think it goes back to that feeling of if I know something is forcefully taken away from me, I want it more. Crazy? May be…

Regardless, I found 4 new ways to keep myself dry.

1) Learning as much as I can about the damage I could be doing. Luckily I love anatomy. I mean my degree is Biology for heaven’s sake! So learning about how we process alcohol (or ethanol to be scientific) will keep me out of the Ignorance is Bliss drinking mindset. I watched a great video of a dude fondling lots of cadavers organs to show how alcohol is processed. If you all interested, check this out. https://youtu.be/6q1RH8A3O3c (don’t worry, it’s not that gross!)

2) New drinks… oh yes, the market is booming with non-alcoholic, supposedly euphoric drinks. So I hopped in the car yesterday to spend a typical liquor store spend on these zero proof beverages. So far, they help. A little. Putting in a wine glass added a tinge of familiarity but I can’t say any gave me the slightest buzz. More to come here. I’ve only tried a couple!

3) Distraction. The kids swindled me into buying an Oculus. Well.. I must say for once those teenagers made a good decision. It is pretty darn cool. I had heard about the use of VR (virtual reality) in the treatment of many conditions so heck, why not? It’s a double win too because you can exercise with it too. So I threw on a little Beat Saber, which had me swinging away distracted easily for a half an hour and yes, it felt literally like 5 minutes! Then I moved over to the Youtube videos… relaxing in a forest, oh so lovely trying a little yoga. Again, you think of nothing else in there besides the sounds and sights. This could really work.

4) Last but not least, and this goes along with number 1… Loving my liver. I don’t know why I never thought of my own organs in this way but if you love something, you don’t hurt it. The liver is trying to heal itself and guess what? It is one of the only organs that can do that… but only up until you kill it off too much. That’s pretty amazing function and shouldn’t be taken for granted. But the poor liver can’t heal if you keep bathing it in more toxins. It’s like picking a scab. The wound wants to heal, but it can’t if you keep messing with it. So, now when I think about grabbing a bottle of vino, I remember my poor little liver finally getting a breather. Finally getting time to just chill. It’s like being burnt out at work. Not to say that I give it a vacation and then burn it out again and again… but I imagine in my own head that is what the liver is begging for. A break. Because ethanol isn’t the only toxin the liver takes care of… it has many others, of which we can’t control.

So there it is… my 4 genius ways of sticking to this.

Random thoughts

It’s amazing how good I am about not drinking in the morning, lol… or afternoon. And I can even wake up and say I’m going to not drink tonight. And I don’t feel the slightest bit worried about it.

Then 4 o’clock, 5 'o’clock, 6 o’clock come and suddenly I say to myself, “I could use a little wine right now.” Maybe it’s a nice sunny night and I’m enjoying the deck or maybe I’m making a good dinner… regardless, these become excuses to open a bottle. And once it’s open… well I have to finish it.

I remember a time years ago out to dinner with a boss and somehow we got on the conversation. She said her and her husband drink wine with dinner. I think I asked how long an open bottle of wine lasts. She said, “I don’t know, my husband and I always finish it.” She kind of chuckled and I thought, “wow, they have a bottle of dinner every night?” I can do that myself now. In fact, I am pretty much a bottle and a half.

While I’m on the ledge here, I might as well admit that besides the nagging worry I have about my liver, or getting head and neck cancer someday… drinking has to have been the culprit of this weight gain. I work out a lot… walk the dogs, do a lot of constant housework. I go to the gym 3-4 times a week. I have muscle, but it’s a solid weight that I am. It feels heavy on me. I’ve never been this weight even when 9 months pregnant. And it sort of looks like I’m pregnant. I wonder what is in there… is it fat, is it fluid… is it a tumor? It’s probably a giant grape, being that I’ve drank so many.

Blank

It’s amazing… in my head when I’m nowhere near my computer I can think of 20 things to write here. The words and feelings flow like a raging waterfall. I can’t even contain the creativity flowing from my 86 billion celled brain. How do they even estimate that number of cells? I mean it’s like not looking at a clear glass jar filled with jelly beans. They better have some scientific way they figure that out. And does it matter? Oh yes… gray matters! Lol, I just made a really stupid joke, but oh well.

What really gets me is that when I do get myself sitting pretty in my chair about to write something, that lovely organ of a brain just draws a blank. Total blank. I have suddenly forgotten or can’t conjure together any of those brilliant thoughts. Maybe I should start audio recording them so I don’t forget. Yes, that is what I’ll do. I promise, I’ll write something worth a read. It’s coming.

Oh the days…

I now realize why these day 1, day 2… day whatever the f’ are annoying me. It’s like when I used to run long distance. I’d push that extra mile because… I was on my 8 and to get to a goal of 10… I had to. You don’t want to start over. You made it this far. Eight long ass miles with only 2 more to go to say, “I did 10 miles!” and maybe next time, I’ll do 13. But non drinking days, oh, it feels different. I don’t have the same motivation. I should, but I don’t. I wonder if it’s because I haven’t hit that darn rock bottom yet. It’s not like I’m wanting or wishing for it; but I do wonder if I just need more motivation to get there. So I’m on day 0. Again. In fact, just saying that is depressing. I guess honestly I never did that when running. I still always achieved something more. What happened?

Snakes

I don’t know why I was swimming in a dark black lagoon with no end in sight. I shouldn’t say I was actually swimming, more like trying to get out. In the water there were these long biting snakes. There were other people in the lagoon with me. I honestly don’t even recall who they were. I just know we were trying to distract and get around the snakes. At one point, a couple of the people figured out how to kill a few of them. For a few moments I thought we’d get out. But then there were more. At one point, I thought let me close my eyes and just make run for it. There is no where else to go and if they bite me, they bite me.

This dream was the first I’ve had of this kind. I’ve had lots of horrible scary dreams in the past, ones about being chased, shot at… and then the annoying ones that repeat at certain times in my life. The roller coaster road dream, the elevator dream, the packing up in a rush dream. Those are the ones that came at different periods in my life. I’m still I think living with the packing up dream unless after last night, it will now be on repeat of snakes.

I wish it was clear what they meant and how to make them go away. I often wake up during my dreams and can remember almost everything. At least clearly for the first few minutes. If I write it down, longer.

There is definitely some irony to it. Today I was talking to a patient who compared one of her surgeries to a snake. To even hear her say “snake” was creepy.

Day 4

While it is only Day 1 of my blog here, it is day 4 of sobriety. I almost feel silly saying that. Like I should say, day 4 of not drinking. Am I allowed to say sobriety? Most would read this (and I, myself, will probably too in the future) as being just denial. I am torn between where I want to ‘place’ myself and I think the biggest reason is because you can’t go back. You call yourself an alcoholic, you are forever one. I don’t want to be ‘labeled’ - just like the kid with ADHD or Asperger’s… sure, is it part of them, yes, but is it all of them? No.

My history of getting to drinking too much was slow. I can’t remember exactly when it began but I can remember when it started becoming something I felt bad about. Which for me, isn’t all that hard. Maybe it was because I was raised in Catholic school but I think I feel guilty about everything. Tried cigarettes at 16, guilt. Was too clean with my room, almost OCD (probably actual OCD), guilt. I could feel guilty about anything really. Working out too much, guilt. Not working out enough, guilt. Guilt, guilt, guilt.

I also suffered from perfectionism. And that definitely was hard. No where near perfect but at some point in my life I thought, if I did this just right, then maybe people will like me. What that left me was just quite exhausted because quite honestly perfection is very hard to achieve.

So it was slow. Now I don’t wake up in the morning and crave a drink. I don’t even usually take a sip of a drink until dinnertime. But, then it can go until I fall sleep.

It doesn’t stop me from what I have to do. Life is still priority. If I have to work, I’m not struggling not to drink. If I have to pick up my kids, I’m not struggling not to drink. I do what I need to do and do it mighty well. I don’t wake up hung over. I don’t go out to the store to even buy alcohol if I don’t have it. But, I am technically drinking alone. I am drinking when I don’t need to and I do feel guilt the next day.

So I started slow too with deciding to stop. I tried a few days each week making it a point to not drink. It wasn’t excruciating. I would distract myself if I thought of it. I also asked for medication from my doctor in preparation who prescribed naltrexone which made me nauseated, which made me wonder… was that the point? I can’t drink or eat anything when I’m nauseated so win win. And later Antabuse, which quite honestly just deterred me from taking it vs. drinking.

But when I came to the point of saying, I’m just going to stop, I did it without anything. Or at least nothing else so far… come on, we are only on day 4 now. Still, I did my research, will I have withdraw? What if I had DTs? My goodness the internet will scare you. Taper, don’t taper. It’s a mess of information out there. I figured, just do it. If I felt something bad, just go down and grab some rum and take a few shots.

Well, here I am, feeling fine. Nothing feels different. Luckily, not even a shaky hand. Still, I guess I thought I’d wake up and see some beautiful glow, be a couple pounds lighter and feel like magic. The only thing that does feel better for sure is my conscience. While it’s still only 4 days, it’s four days without the nagging guilt of putting those extra calories and poison in my body the night before and that is something worth it.

Where I am

So it begins. I find myself in a fiercely wicked battle.
It seems so simple.
It doesn’t make sense.
It’s everywhere but nowhere.

What am I talking about?

Alcohol use.

I almost have to whisper it because it feels like a dirty word. It feels like admitting to drinking too much alcohol is like saying you are a dirty whore. Which, for some, could be both. Still, in society, isn’t it shameful to say that you drink too much alcohol? Or that you have a problem with it? You feel like everyone else can go about drinking that glass of wine with dinner a night while you finish the whole bottle. Why don’t you have as much self control?

That’s what it feels like.

From what I have seen going online so many people who get to the point of seeking help have already hit some kind of rock bottom. They have lost their jobs, maybe their marriages, even kids. Some talk about rehabs or having dual addictions with drugs. I feel like I just don’t identify. Maybe I’m not in the same boat as they are. Heck, maybe I don’t have a problem!

But then I read, the recommended amount of drinks per week is 7 and not more than 2 a day for women. We women always gets screwed don’t we. Men able to drink twice as much without being called a dirty little alcoholic.

And they describe this as ‘heavy drinking.’ Hell, I think I’ve done that in a day! Well, not every day… but over Saturday. A few day drinks, like a nice rum drink or fancy cider while gardening or doing yard work and then going out and a few more in evening with friends.

Regardless, according to statistics, I have a problem. I am a heavy drinker. I am baaaad….

Then according to the websites I seek for stories and advice, I’m just a little angel, no harm done, no major loss or court ordered classes.

So where I think I am… is just on the ledge… hence the name of this blog where I will continue to journal this experience. Hopefully, helpful to anyone else who doesn’t identify with people who hit rock bottom or for that matter, any rocks. I’m not saying I haven’t had a few bumps but maybe I’ve just been lucky.